First Dates.
When I was a pre-teen, the idea of formal “dating” seemed weird, smothering and maybe even a little scary. Don't get me wrong, I'd had “boyfriends,” but “dating” at that stage consisted of going to the movies, or going to an amusement park, usually with a group of friends. Contrast that with “dates” in the movies or on TV; even high-schoolers were shown at romantic restaurants with drippy candles and soft lighting, dressing up and bringing presents (how did they even get there if they couldn't drive?). Shudder. It all seemed too... too heavy. Give me an evening bowling instead.
As an adult, I'm only marginally more romantic; I still look for fun more than romance. But it recently occurred to me that the “heavy” feeling I once experienced wasn't simply due to my age; it was thinking about a level of romance that I wasn't ready for that really creeped me out. If I'm in a well-established relationship, I might have more fun at a bowling alley, but I can go on a fancy, formal date just as easily. Put me in a new relationship, however, and I'd much rather stick to fun activities for the first few dates.
When you're planning your first date with a new person, keep your partner's comfort level, as well as your own, in mind. Maybe you've met for coffee already and you've really hit it off; that's fantastic, but it doesn't necessarily mean you need to go from zero to sixty in one day. For some people, romance, even more than sex, is the panic button.
So, how do you know what's right for you and your partner? The best trick in the book: communication. Good communication will solve or avoid a wealth of problems in the future, and there's no better time to start communicating than before the very first date. Maybe your partner likes to be wooed, to have a fairy-tale romance; maybe they'd like to be the wooer; maybe they'd like to go to mini-golf. Having discussions like these may even provide further insight into your compatibility.
As you plan your first date, remember: the only standards you need to worry about are between you and your partner. The goal is to have a good time – and the two of you decide what that means.
Whats The Rush?
Today we live in a world that is increasingly about instant gratification. It's not a slam on any one generation; it's all of us. Have a question? Look it up on the internet. Out at dinner and not at the computer? Look it up on your phone. Feel like watching a movie? Watch it instantly from a website.
Some things, however, can't be rushed. Emotions and relationships are frustratingly archaic in their slow development. And that's something we need to remember when we embark on online dating.
One of the great benefits of online dating is that it's a time-saver; no longer do you have to hope you'll just run into someone who happens to share common interests and be attractive to boot. Fill out a few simple forms and voila! Dozens of potential matches, right at your fingertips. The decision-making begins immediately: rather than talk to every potential match, you can choose whether or not to even contact them. And for some, that decision is almost instant.
Then, however, you send off an email to someone you think is worth a closer look. The situation is now out of your hands: you have to wait for them to even see the email, then decide if they want to pursue a conversation. And a conversation isn't a guarantee that you'll get a friendship going.
You'd be surprised how many people get completely annoyed by the fact that making an online dating profile, even getting an email returned, doesn't guarantee an instant boyfriend or girlfriend. But I've gone through all the appropriate steps! they think. Let's get this show on the road!
This is a dangerous trap to fall into. If all you're looking for is the end result – a significant other – you'll not be fully invested in the relationship process; becoming friends, falling in love. And, ultimately, it will cost you. Any relationship where you're not fully engaged will fall apart, sooner or later.
So as you construct your dating profiles and begin your search, remember: you're looking for a starting point, a contact, nothing more. Perhaps you'll wind up with a significant other, a title, a status – but the journey is just as fun as the destination. Enjoy it.
