Let's face it, most men tend to overestimate themselves. They may have been given strength from their academic record or success at work or on the court, and feel that this success automatically transfers over into credit in the "woman department". Unfortunately, this is almost never the case. These are the men that are left scratching their heads at the end of the evening when everything that they said or did went completely wrong. From my experience, here are just a few reasons why these men tend to misjudge themselves and fail.
1. Admission of error, means omission of error: Men like to be right, and conversely they do not like to admit when they are wrong. Because of this, they either create diversions, create excuses to cover it up, or try and explain it away.
2. Arrogance: Sometimes, a little arrogance is okay. But that place is often on the basketball court or in a sales meeting with a demanding client. Men should not be arrogant without due cause. Because of this, men tend to take advice from other men, that they perceive to be "less gifted intellectually, but more gifted with women". This almost always leads to a mistake.
3. High performing men often have the social skills of a raccoon. Often times, in social settings they cannot communicate with other people, and this leads to an upset or offended woman, or possibly women.
4. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Have you ever tried to buy a car, and the salesman is persistently trying to sell you on a pick-up truck? Probably not. Then why do men continually try and apply logic to women that are more driven by emotions? Women like men who can make them feel like they truly understand them.
5. Clicha Techniques don't work. Most men think that being charming and polite is the best solution. So, they take a page from the playbook that their mother taught them and proudly present their date with one dozen red roses on the first evening. This instantly places the man into a category that he does not want to be in, especially not this early in the evening!
Of course, these are just suggestions and mistakes that I've witnessed my friends making in the past. Some may be wrong, some pay be right, but overall, they are painfully accurate. Try not to over think the situation and resist those "cheesy impulses" that will have you labeled into "that Sweet guy I want to set my (homely) room mate up with".
Friday, 16 April 2010
Proof That Real Love Exists
While doing a signing for my latest romance novel, a woman passed by, picked up my book, and immediately wrinkled her nose.
"I don't read these kinds of books," she said.
"What do you read?" I asked.
She slapped it down on the table as if it was so far beneath her she couldn't bare to touch it any longer. "Something with at least a hint of realism."
"I'm sorry for you," I said.
And I meant it.
Why?
Because, good romance novels aren't fairy tales. They are snapshots of love at its finest.
I should know. I've written 28 of them, and read hundreds of others.
The complaint shouldn't be that these romance novels are not realistic.
Many of us just don't know how to make this kind of love last.
But that doesn't mean we can't learn. It's basically a matter of behaving as we behaved when we were courting the love of our lives. And, then taking it a few steps further to establish deeper ties that make "true love" every bit a reality.
How to Make Your True Love Last a Lifetime:
1. Avoid negative thought patterns. Allowing yourself to mentally or verbally tear down your significant other is like gnawing at the bond that holds you together.
2. Remember that your true love means more to you than anyone else--including your parents and your kids. Those who put their children before their spouse are often disappointed to find that they have no relationship left once the kids head out on their own.
3. Be more flexible and forgiving with your spouse than anyone else. We expect our spouse to "understand" our stress or limitations (in other words, put up with our crap). Instead, reserve your patience and kindness for the person who means the most to you.
4. Understand that relationships work on a spiral. The more thoughtful you are to your loved one, the more fulfilled and happy your spouse will be. In return, your spouse will give back to you.
5. Don't get too practical. Some couples forego the flowers, the cards, the dinner dates and the chocolate boxes in favor of saving money. But what's worth more to you? A few bucks or a relationship that will likely affect your whole life and the lives of your children?
6. Do something nice for your spouse every day, even if it's just a chore they typically do. These thoughtful touches will act as reserves against the tough times.
7. Be physical. Touch your spouse a lot, even when there is no hope of it escalating into a sexual encounter. These little reminders that a spouse cares are nurturing to the soul and sends wonderful signals to your children. They feel secure and happy because you are secure and happy, and they are more loving because of the example you've set.
8. Remain loyal and unselfish. Have the grit it takes to stick through thick and thin. And, start worrying more about whether you are being a good spouse than whether your spouse is being a good mate to you, and you'll be glad you did. As much as it may seem otherwise, life isn't all about you, how you're feeling and what you want.
9. Take care of you. You don't have to be model thin or in the blush of youth. But be the best you can be—mentally and physically.
10. Laugh. Don't take life too seriously. It's no fun to be around someone when everything means too much and weighs too heavy.
By Brenda Novak
Best known for her evocative Stillwater Trilogy, Brenda Novak is a national bestselling author of romantic suspense. She has three books coming out this summer—TRUST ME, STOP ME and WATCH ME that will show you exactly why true love isn't a fairy tale. For more information on the Stillwater Trilogy and Brenda's upcoming books, go to http://www.BrendaNovak.com. And, don't forget to check out her new online auction with all monies donated to Diabetes research.
"I don't read these kinds of books," she said.
"What do you read?" I asked.
She slapped it down on the table as if it was so far beneath her she couldn't bare to touch it any longer. "Something with at least a hint of realism."
"I'm sorry for you," I said.
And I meant it.
Why?
Because, good romance novels aren't fairy tales. They are snapshots of love at its finest.
I should know. I've written 28 of them, and read hundreds of others.
The complaint shouldn't be that these romance novels are not realistic.
Many of us just don't know how to make this kind of love last.
But that doesn't mean we can't learn. It's basically a matter of behaving as we behaved when we were courting the love of our lives. And, then taking it a few steps further to establish deeper ties that make "true love" every bit a reality.
How to Make Your True Love Last a Lifetime:
1. Avoid negative thought patterns. Allowing yourself to mentally or verbally tear down your significant other is like gnawing at the bond that holds you together.
2. Remember that your true love means more to you than anyone else--including your parents and your kids. Those who put their children before their spouse are often disappointed to find that they have no relationship left once the kids head out on their own.
3. Be more flexible and forgiving with your spouse than anyone else. We expect our spouse to "understand" our stress or limitations (in other words, put up with our crap). Instead, reserve your patience and kindness for the person who means the most to you.
4. Understand that relationships work on a spiral. The more thoughtful you are to your loved one, the more fulfilled and happy your spouse will be. In return, your spouse will give back to you.
5. Don't get too practical. Some couples forego the flowers, the cards, the dinner dates and the chocolate boxes in favor of saving money. But what's worth more to you? A few bucks or a relationship that will likely affect your whole life and the lives of your children?
6. Do something nice for your spouse every day, even if it's just a chore they typically do. These thoughtful touches will act as reserves against the tough times.
7. Be physical. Touch your spouse a lot, even when there is no hope of it escalating into a sexual encounter. These little reminders that a spouse cares are nurturing to the soul and sends wonderful signals to your children. They feel secure and happy because you are secure and happy, and they are more loving because of the example you've set.
8. Remain loyal and unselfish. Have the grit it takes to stick through thick and thin. And, start worrying more about whether you are being a good spouse than whether your spouse is being a good mate to you, and you'll be glad you did. As much as it may seem otherwise, life isn't all about you, how you're feeling and what you want.
9. Take care of you. You don't have to be model thin or in the blush of youth. But be the best you can be—mentally and physically.
10. Laugh. Don't take life too seriously. It's no fun to be around someone when everything means too much and weighs too heavy.
By Brenda Novak
Best known for her evocative Stillwater Trilogy, Brenda Novak is a national bestselling author of romantic suspense. She has three books coming out this summer—TRUST ME, STOP ME and WATCH ME that will show you exactly why true love isn't a fairy tale. For more information on the Stillwater Trilogy and Brenda's upcoming books, go to http://www.BrendaNovak.com. And, don't forget to check out her new online auction with all monies donated to Diabetes research.
How NOT to find an online date
One of the biggest diseases in dating, online or off, is perfectionism. Some of us just don't like to fail. Some won't admit we have. Some avoid it at all costs. When this stubbornness runs into the living, breathing person we're dating (or trying to date), things can get rough fast.
Fortunately, online dating can help us get past this quirk. We turn to online dating to find love, but remember it's a numbers game. With hundreds of thousands of people dating online, the odds are against us. We will fail more than we succeed.
The key is to fail a lot, up front, and get it out of the way. Then the odds are in our favor!
I find these techniques especially helpful for people who've gone back to dating after some time away. I was there not too long ago: I'd just left a long-term relationship. And I learned not to wish for a perfect relationship to replace the one I just lost. It's best to rack up a bunch of small failures while getting your mojo back. So...
1. Write your best profile. Then trash it.
2. You can labor over a profile, writing a perfect masterpiece. But if it doesn't entice the people who'd love you in real life, it's time to revise. Rather than throwing it out, make it better bit-by-bit. In business, they call it kaizen, Japanese for "continuous improvement." It's rare to hit one out of the park on your first swing. So keep swinging-- keep improving. Aim for the stars. And crash and burn!
3. Make the first person you contact someone you think you have no chance with. Too gorgeous, too rich, too young, too everything. Be genuine-- pick someone you'd genuinely like to meet. They probably won't message you back, which is kind of the point. You want to get detached from the outcome of your dating by failing right away. It's easy to get attached to Joey19930 or Kim7ZZ7 after reading their profiles, but remember that they don't really exist until you meet them in the real world. Failing right away will remind you that the worst that can happen is this kind of failure. Which is nothing at all! Tell the perfect match in your head you're not good enough for them.
4. Ditch 'em. Then message, meet, even date someone who's not your type. Online dating makes it easy to go after ONLY 5'10" 28-year-old toned Catholic vegetarians with black hair. Which is good for being picky but bad for getting back in the game. So open your mind and meet someone new. (You don't have to marry them, or even fall in love. But you can learn a lot about yourself and have fun besides.) Fail to give it your all.
5. Searching online can easily take over your life. It's like looking for the needle in the haystack: you know it's in there, so you waste a day looking. That's a good way to burn out. Instead, limit your time. Give it no more than an hour every few days. If you write your profile right, it will do a lot of the work for you while you're walking the dog and doing yoga. Fail to fail.
By failing at online dating, you'll slowly get your confidence back. You won't look at a person who sends you a flirt as your last best chance. Instead, they'll be one of many options. Like the rest of life, the most vital part of all success is confidence. Remember, each failure is just a building block for the success you're about to build. As Samuel Beckett wrote, "Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better." And eventually, you'll succeed!
By Clyde Williams
Clyde Williams is the author of The Power Profile, a new approach to writing your dating profile for more, better dates. A specialist in marketing, he teaches a 5-step method so that people can target and date the kinds of people they most desire.
Fortunately, online dating can help us get past this quirk. We turn to online dating to find love, but remember it's a numbers game. With hundreds of thousands of people dating online, the odds are against us. We will fail more than we succeed.
The key is to fail a lot, up front, and get it out of the way. Then the odds are in our favor!
I find these techniques especially helpful for people who've gone back to dating after some time away. I was there not too long ago: I'd just left a long-term relationship. And I learned not to wish for a perfect relationship to replace the one I just lost. It's best to rack up a bunch of small failures while getting your mojo back. So...
1. Write your best profile. Then trash it.
2. You can labor over a profile, writing a perfect masterpiece. But if it doesn't entice the people who'd love you in real life, it's time to revise. Rather than throwing it out, make it better bit-by-bit. In business, they call it kaizen, Japanese for "continuous improvement." It's rare to hit one out of the park on your first swing. So keep swinging-- keep improving. Aim for the stars. And crash and burn!
3. Make the first person you contact someone you think you have no chance with. Too gorgeous, too rich, too young, too everything. Be genuine-- pick someone you'd genuinely like to meet. They probably won't message you back, which is kind of the point. You want to get detached from the outcome of your dating by failing right away. It's easy to get attached to Joey19930 or Kim7ZZ7 after reading their profiles, but remember that they don't really exist until you meet them in the real world. Failing right away will remind you that the worst that can happen is this kind of failure. Which is nothing at all! Tell the perfect match in your head you're not good enough for them.
4. Ditch 'em. Then message, meet, even date someone who's not your type. Online dating makes it easy to go after ONLY 5'10" 28-year-old toned Catholic vegetarians with black hair. Which is good for being picky but bad for getting back in the game. So open your mind and meet someone new. (You don't have to marry them, or even fall in love. But you can learn a lot about yourself and have fun besides.) Fail to give it your all.
5. Searching online can easily take over your life. It's like looking for the needle in the haystack: you know it's in there, so you waste a day looking. That's a good way to burn out. Instead, limit your time. Give it no more than an hour every few days. If you write your profile right, it will do a lot of the work for you while you're walking the dog and doing yoga. Fail to fail.
By failing at online dating, you'll slowly get your confidence back. You won't look at a person who sends you a flirt as your last best chance. Instead, they'll be one of many options. Like the rest of life, the most vital part of all success is confidence. Remember, each failure is just a building block for the success you're about to build. As Samuel Beckett wrote, "Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better." And eventually, you'll succeed!
By Clyde Williams
Clyde Williams is the author of The Power Profile, a new approach to writing your dating profile for more, better dates. A specialist in marketing, he teaches a 5-step method so that people can target and date the kinds of people they most desire.
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